I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
