the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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