I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
