I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
