we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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