My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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