apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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