true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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