You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
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Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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