Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
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The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
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Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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