just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
