I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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