You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
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You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize