I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
