I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
