I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
