she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
