Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
