I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
