I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
