Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
