totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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