A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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