You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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