we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
babies were throwing up all over the place
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
