The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
