If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
