im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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