Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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