My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
