My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
