85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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