i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
