Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
