On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
