this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
