i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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