I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
