respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
