Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
