my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
