So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
