it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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