i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
