I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
