My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
