Where did you get a picture of my penis
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
