Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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