I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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