Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
