she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
