yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
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People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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