Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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