Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
