Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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