My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
