My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
