K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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