wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Oh god it's open bar.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
