dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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