She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
